Attention: I have amended some of the ridiculous ways and means of people to better suit my ways and means. The government is allowed to do this, so I figured I can get away with it too. We better get started as the list is rather lengthy and hard to understand (like real amendments!)
First of all--washing clothes.
The amount of clothing I have to wash is very disproportionate to the amount of people wearing the said clothes. There is no other choice but to prohibit the use of clothing in excess at our house. For example: If you get up on Sunday morning, shower and put on your 'church clothes' they are considered clean. Two hours later, when you get home from church, the aforementioned clothes are still clean, and therefore do not belong in the floor beside the bed, or in the hamper. All hampers will be locked up on Sundays to prevent further abuse of clothing privileges. Please either 1) Hang the clothes back up. 2) Wear the clothes back to church that night or 3) Throw them on top of your dresser, where at least I will know they are clean.
Towels are another issue that needs to be addressed. If a towel is clean when you step into the shower, it is still clean when you dry off your clean body after getting out of the shower. Please lay it on the side of the tub, or hang it over the shower rod. Do NOT place it in the bathroom floor. Also, do not put wet towels in the hamper where they will mildew. Abuse of this will result in the said hamper being locked except on non-shower days.
On to animals.
Animals will no longer be permitted to lay across the air vents on hot days. We have found a direct link between dogs on the vents and the amount of cool air circulating in the living room. Any animals found disobeying this amendment will be considered in violation of house privileges and promptly thrown on the porch.
Toilets are major players in the amendments. From now on, toilet paper will be administered on an 'as needed' basis. This is due to the fact that certain family members (me) are finding themselves in crappy situations more frequently than necessary with an empty roller. I will personally administer one (1) roll per person, per week. Any amount over and above that is the sole responsibility of the person caught with the empty toilet paper roll.
Also, while on the section of toilets:
All toilet lids now come with hinges, making the lifting of the lid easy and accessible. Please lift the lid, pee (trying to actually hit inside the toilet) and put the lid back down. Failure to do so will result in female members of this household screeching loudly in the middle of the night and quite possibly could lead to bodily injury for the offending male member who didn't put the lid back down. Consider this your written warning.
Lastly, but subject to further amendment as I see necessary: Trash cans.
Please do not stuff 20 gallons of trash into a 10 gallon bag and expect it to hold. Do not stack trash on top of overflowing cans. This is not Jinga. Do not throw Big Gulp cups half full into the cans. Do not expect the magic garbage fairy to empty the can. Hello! Like Santa Clause and good diet chocolate, the fairy does not exist! Get up and take out the trash yourself. When you have finished, replace the empty spot with another bag.
While they may seem overwhelming, these amendments are actually very simple and I feel certain that with a bit of practice, you will be able to perform them quite efficiently.
Failure to comply with the new rules will result in one very unhappy female that you will have to live with. Is it really worth it?
Sharon Raines has two books available: 'Through Mom's Eyes'at http://www.publishamerica.net/product27236.html and 'I'm still the cuckoo of this clock' http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/sharonraines You can also check me out on Twitter. http://twitter.com/ Franks1wife